


Past Horrors and Future Hope

by Herbeloved82



Category: X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Auschwitz, Cuba divorce fix it, Fix-It, M/M, Mention of Shoah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 22:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11792772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Herbeloved82/pseuds/Herbeloved82
Summary: After Cuba and their separation, Charles calls Erik back to the mansion, finally ready to hear his story. A journey into the past for a new beginning.





	Past Horrors and Future Hope

**Author's Note:**

  * For [plingo_kat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/plingo_kat/gifts).



> This story contains mentions of Shoah and what was done to the Jew people during WWII. Please if you think it could trigger you don't read.
> 
> A huge thank you to Lokisredledger who was so kind to beta this story for me. Without her I would have never posted it.

Night was the time Erik loved the most. When everyone else was asleep and the world was quiet he had time to think.

About the past, about his mistakes and regrets, and above all about the man he loved and left behind. The same man who summoned him to the Mansion he called his house. Never a home. A home was where your heart is, and Erik knew Charles didn't have anyone he loved so much with him now.

He had lost everything on a beach in Cuba. Erik had taken everything from Charles, so he really didn't know why the kindest man he ever met – the only kind one, and he knew he didn't deserve Charles in his life - begged him to visit.

And beg he did. His prayers echoed through time and space and it finally reached his deaf ears. Erik would like to claim he didn't hear Charles because he was too busy keeping the telepath away, but the truth was, since that day he never took off the helmet. Only one night he couldn't stand to keep it anymore. He couldn't stand the void and silence where Charles' gentle presence and comfort once were.

Erik tried to tell himself that Charles wasn't interested in reaching for him anymore, that it was his right to stay as far away as possible from him. Wasn't that what he wanted? Wasn't that what he demanded from Charles since the first time? Erik knew he had rejected Charles that night in the ocean, forced him to deny his nature and force himself to stay away from his mind when it was natural for Charles to feel others. It was something the younger man needed to make sure the ones he loved were safe, and Erik destroyed that too for him.

So he took off the helmet to persuade his heart that all was lost because of him. It was then that he felt Charles' voice. It broke what little heart he still had, because he never heard him so sad and desperate. Charles didn't believe he would answer and still he tried again and again.

Answering his call was the only option. Erik couldn't let Charles suffer again because of him. It was too late, but he owed Charles that much at least, even if Charles only wanted to show him hate and disgust. It wasn't like he didn't deserve that.

To lose his family in Auschwitz had been excruciating. It destroyed his innocence like nothing else. Even in the ghetto, with his mother by his side, Erik still had kept the hope that one day things would improve, that the war would end and their people would finally be free. The camp took that childish wish away from him when the bullet claimed his mother's life. He still didn't know what had happened to his father, but the mental picture of the gray smoke clouding the sky day and night, leaving behind the stink of burned flesh never left him. 

But to lose Charles had meant to lose the last ounce of humanity Erik still carried inside.  
It was ironic that Erik had been the creator of his own darkness. The disgust his only friend felt towards him was enough to shatter what was left of Erik, like the bullet shattered Charles’ spine. 

 

He didn’t tell Raven where he was going and she had no right to question him; she wasn't his problem anymore. He gave her the freedom to choose her fight, her feelings for him were only another mask she wore to hide. For someone who held a grudge against Charles and his need to protect her, she really liked to hide herself. She hated Charles, because Charles couldn't love her that way she wanted, so she tried to steal the one man her brother had begun...

No. He couldn't go there. Not now, and possibly never again. What could have been between him and Charles was gone now, lost in hate and rage. Lost because of his foolish need for revenge. Now he knew it all was worthless. Killing Herr Doctor didn't bring him the peace Erik so desperately needed. It took away the most precious thing Erik ever had in his life. But those days spent with Charles, the time his gentle friend dedicated him, would always be treasured by Erik. Lost because Erik couldn't believe he deserved something so beautiful like what Charles was offering. In the end he was right. He had ruined everything.

“Autumn was losing the fight with winter and snow was already in the freezing air. With the ice that had settled into Erik’s soul after losing Charles, he wa surprised that he could even still shiver from the biting wing. 

A sad smile curved his lips. A memory long forgotten came back to him. Hanukkah was close. His mother would fry latkes. Even when they were hiding she was able to find potatoes. The oil wasn't good, but it was all they got. It should have lasted them for at least a month, but she didn't want her son to forget their tradition. She wanted him to be able to still enjoy the very reason why they were hated and killed like they were nothing. Erik still could taste those stale potatoes, and even today, they still were the most tasteful dish he could think about. A lone tear ran on his face bringing another memory to his mind.

It looked like tonight was a night for memories no matter how painful they would be.

The gate of the mansion sang for him. The elaborate and masterfully crafted metal welcomed him, like Erik was coming back home. It was familiar and for that even more painful. Every light but one were off, but Erik knew that Charles didn't live alone --at least not physically. Charles was waiting for him in the room they used to play chess in. It was their sanctuary. Away from the younger members of their strange family, at peace with their closeness. How much Erik wished he could bring back those moments, to change what happened between them and be able to beg for the forgiveness of the man he loved beyond everything else in the world.

He would throw himself at his feet and beg, and beg, until Charles would forgive him. Or at least he would have had he not robbed his friend of his ability to walk, with everything else. 

“Please Erik, come to me.”

Once again Charles's voice echoed in his mind, like the first time the met and like that night it wrapped around his soul like a warm and safe blanket Erik would give everything to keep.  
The only difference was that now his voice sounded surprised, like Charles didn't expect to be able to reach for him. Back then his voice had sounded sure and strong, like the man he was before Erik ruined him.

While he climbed the stairs in the darkness Erik felt like a thief. He didn't belong here , in Charles sanctuary. Once he was offered a place among the people Charles held dearest to him and he turned his back to the man and everything he was freely offering. What right did he have to come back now?

“You will always be welcome here, my friend.”

Erik let Charles’ voice lull him into a sense of safety and hope he didn't deserve, he knew those were only words. Charles really believed them, but it was Erik who knew the truth. The time he could have been happy was long gone. Now he had to endure what he brought on himself. Truth to be told, Erik couldn't express how much the word ‘friend’ hurt. But if it was all Charles could offer - and it was more than enough already - Erik would work to prove that he was worthy of it, even if it would kill him inside to be close to the one he loved, even if he would continue to deny himself Charles’ touch. 

When Erik reached the room the held so many happy memories he needed a moment to calm his erratic heart. Once he would have simply touched to knob with his power and enter. Now he took his time to knock and even when Charles' voice told him to enter, Erik wasted a few more seconds to brace himself.

When he stepped in after months what he saw wasn't what he expected. The room once tidy and clean was filled with organized chaos now. Papers appeared to be everywhere. Old maps and journals piled on the floor and on every flat surface available. Even every inch of the walls were occupied by pictures and news articles.

Charles' mind, usually so quiet was projecting emotions and feelings of despair and elation. Rage and need for justice. Pain so strong that took Erik's breath away. Only when Erik could control the swell of feelings that hit him, he was able to focus on what was in front of him.

The first picture he recognized froze his blood. The red bricks of houses used as offices. Everything looked sterile and in order. Auschwitz. Then the never-ending pictures of people dressed with a striped pajamas too big for them. The sober face of Simon Wiesenthal looked straight at him from a foreign newspaper Erik recognized as the Jerusalem Post. 

“What? What is this? Charles?”

Was it his way to punish him? Erik knew he deserved everything Charles wanted to do to him, but this, to be thrown back in time in the place that destroyed him, Erik didn't see that coming.

“Erik? Oh no. No Erik is not that. Please, calm your mind.”

Calm your mind. Those words haunted him since the day he walked away. It had been the first time Erik had really stopped. The first time he realized he wasn't alone, that he wasn’t meant to be alone anymore.

He did, because Charles was the only man he ever submitted for, the only one he allowed close enough to actually listen to his words. Charles was his anchor and like all those months ago, Erik was drowning and saved in the same moment.

“It's not a punishment, Erik. It's my atonement.”

The last word hit Erik. If there was someone who was innocent was Charles, so confusion was clearly shown in his eyes.

“What for?”

A sad smile formed on Charles' full lips and his long, elegant fingers showed Erik the armchair where he used to sit during their games. It was hard to remember a lifetime didn't pass since those days, but only a few months.

Charles took place in front of him, like they were two old friends, ready for chess all over again, and for the first time Erik's eyes fell on the wheelchair. For the first time the metal felt like an enemy, something to keep away, not to embrace. It was so wrong that all he could do was to look away in shame. It was his fault. If Charles only let him drown that night nothing would have happened.

A gasp of pure shock was soon followed by rage so pure that it exploded as a white light in Erik's mind. If he wasn’t so well trained to keep his emotions in check and control his body, he would be on the floor, on his knees like he had been in front of Emma and Herr Doctor. The pain was fierce and tears showed at the corners of his stormy eyes.

It ended like it started, without a warning; only a slight feel of guilt remained in the air, but Erik's mind as free and able to think again. The ache took a place in the back of his brain, nothing he couldn't handle after what Herr Doctor did to him.

“I'm sorry Erik. I didn't mean to.”

Charles didn't elaborate, and Erik didn't have any right to push. More proof of how much things were damaged and ruined between them.

“It's not your fault. Not entirely. We were ill prepared for that mission, and we all paid the consequences of our mistakes. We were both wrong and both right on many things and many others were out of our control.”

“Why are we here, Charles?”

“Because, if you want, I am ready to listen now.”

Erik chuckled, but the sound was dumped as though even his sarcasm was so exhausted it couldn’t function anymore. “Why? It's too late now, for both.”

“It's not, my friend. But if you feel like things between us can’t be fixed, if you still think that we can't be on the same side, you're free to go Erik. I would never force you to stay.”

“No. You never did.” Charles could have used his power and control his mind. Made him a puppet in his new master's hands, but he never did. Erik knew Charles would have never taken his right to decide away. “You once told me we didn't want the same things, Charles. Have you changed your mind?”

“No Erik. I still think there is the possibility of peace between Humans and Mutants, but I saw what they can do when scared. I didn't want to believe that they would try to destroy us while still using us for their purpose. Still even a friend who accepted us turned on us. They'll always choose themselves over us if a war will come, and I can't deny the truth I saw in their mind.”

Erik wondered how much it pained Charles to find out that someone he called a friend was ready to shoot first. Moira was just human and Erik touched first hand human's cruelty. Charles had really believed that the old race could accept their presence, even if his own dissertation claimed the opposite.

“When I had time to really think about what happened, I realized something that hurt me more than the loss of my family.” Not my legs, Erik noted, and his heart broke even more. Charles was always so damn selfish; one of the many reasons Erik had wanted to protect him from the world and failed miserably.

Charles seemed unaware of Erik’s inner turmoil as his voice rang in the silence once more, stained by sadness. “I never asked you where your fears were born and why you hate them so much. I never asked you to explain it to me. I forced my vision of the world on you, thinking it was normal to look at things they way I did back then. I should have asked you while I was explaining my point.”

Erik was silent for a long time. Charles gave him a way out; he could take it and never look back again even if he knew the bond between them was unbreakable. Their paths were intertwined and now Erik was given another chance to decide if that would happen as friends or enemies. To stay meant to talk things out, to return to places he’s hidden away in the darkest corners of his mind and soul. To go meant to lose even more. In the end it wasn't really a choice.

“I think we have at least one thing in common. We want the safety of this amazing new race that we call our own. But we are stronger when we're together, Erik. We could split and that wouldn’t be okay - not for me at least - but I would let you go if that’s what you want. Yet, I really believe we have better chances to prepare for whatever future is waiting for us, if we're together.”

There was desperation in Charles' voice. The younger man was trying to make him stay without influencing his choice and it was clear it was killing him inside. Could it be possible that Charles still had space in his heart for someone like Erik?

“Will you explain all of this research, then?”

If there was even the slightest possibility of that being true, Erik would go through hell – both physically and metaphorically – to earn that place. 

Charles nodded, hope shining in his eyes thought it was dulled by something Erik couldn’t quite grasp, the light in them seemed to dim when Erik rose from his chair, but it was soon hidden by a small nod that felt like a goodbye. For a moment Erik was stunned, trying to understand what could have changed Charles' mind, then he understood.

“I'm not going anywhere.” God, could he hope to do something right in Charles' eyes, or was he doomed to repeat his mistakes and make new one again and again until Charles was too broken to even care? “But we need something stronger than tea tonight, I'm afraid.”

“You don't drink tea, my friend.”

Erik smirked. Too many teeth and too little joy behind his pose, but it was enough for Charles to know that at least for the moment things were still good.

“I did, for you, but tonight we need alcohol.” he proclaimed. His strong fingers wrapped around to cool crystal. The smell of smoke and wood reached his nose while the amber liquid sloshed inside the decanter.

“I don't think it's a good idea to get wasted so soon, Erik.”

“Always the professor, Charles, but we are not kids anymore. We both know that before the end of this chat we'll wish we had so much more than this bottle.”

The following minutes of silence were spent by the two men enjoying the warmth the liquor created in their bodies and drinking each- other presence with thirsty eyes.

“You want to know about this,” Charles said looking around and taking Erik's gaze with him. “And I will tell you everything. But first I must know if you're willing to answer all the questions I have.”

Erik only nodded not trusting his voice right now.

“Even if they'll be painful for you?” Erik let go a defeated sigh. He did a really poor job as a friend if Charles still doubted him. Of course he never gave the telepath any reason to think he would be inclined to speak about his feelings.

“Do your worst, Charles.” it’s not as though others hadn’t already hurt him for their own twisted pleasure. He could still feel Herr Doctor's hand on his shoulder, squeezing it like a proud father would in a show of affection, telling him how much fun they were going to have while exploring pain and desperation.

“You know I was born in this house. All I knew about the War in Europe was what the radio told us. When it ended the news gave us only parts of the truth. I thought I knew what happened, I believed when people began to claim that it was time to go on, to forget what happened to make sure the survivors could begin their new life. I never questioned them. I never questioned anything that happened, and that was the first of my mistakes. Please Erik, would you tell me what really happened?”

The knot in his stomach cramped so hard and sudden that Erik almost screamed while nausea choked him for a moment. He wasn't sure he could speak so he focused his attention on the attempt to regain his breath. Where to start? How to make Charles understand what really happened to his people.

“Like every act of pure evil, Charles, it wasn't sudden. It was a slow but constant decline toward hell.” He sighed, defeated and let the deep buried memories to come back. “First they took our identity as citizens. My father was born in Germany, like his father before him and his father before that and the same went for my mother, but suddenly they weren't German anymore, because only people with pure German blood in their veins could be citizens. They destroyed entire families. In a moment marriages that lasted for years weren't valid anymore. Men got the easy way out. If they married a jew woman they could walk away from her and their children without a single regret, the Reich granted them that privilege.”

Charles' eyes were already full of tears and Erik didn't want to think about what his emotional state would be at the end.

“In 1935 things were still if not easy for us at least bearable. Little by little, they took away our rights, our education, our houses and jobs and no one tried to stop them. People who were friends only the day before turned their back to you without a single regret. Red flags with the black swastika appeared everywhere. It was a mark, but unlike the yellow star they forced Jews to wear, it wasn't hated but loved and worshipped. The more its power grew, the crueler they became. They were finally justified in their hate and had a target, they were told we, amongst others, were a danger for the Reich, for Germany and it didn't matter if we fought their wars in the past. When the ghettos were created we were locked there. My people could only leave to work, when we still were allowed to. Of course I was too young to understand why I couldn't play with my friends anymore, why I couldn't be friends with them anymore. When we were moved to the ghetto I didn't understand why we had to leave everything behind. We weren't allowed properties. All the money and gold and art belonged to the Reich and we weren't a part of it.”

The distraction given by the liquor burning his throat wasn't enough to erase the taste of ashes from his mouth.

“There were whispers of places nowhere to be found, where Jews were taken and disappeared. My parents tried to make sure those rumors didn't reach my ears, but it was impossible. I knew - we all did - and in the same time we had no idea. We couldn't imagine that follow human beings, our neighbors, could create a machine devoted to the only purpose to destroy us because of what we were.”

It was the first time Erik spoke about those years in Germany, where he was born and he couldn't imagine it would be so painful to go back there, even if just with his memory. His hands shook so much that he lost grip on the glass. The liquid inside stained the old carpet on the floor, or at least Wrik thought, he couldn’t really see with the tears clouding his eyes. The loss of his roots, the hate of people who spoke his own language, who lived in his own city and breathed his own air was still unintelligible like it was back then.

“Do you know what Shoah means?”

Charles shook his head and a few tears left the prison of his long eyelash.

“It means catastrophe in my language. The very language was forbidden, but at the same time we couldn't use German either, because we would stain the pureness of the language. Soldiers would hit even children on their mouths with the back of a rifle if they heard someone with the star speaking German and they would do the same if they spoke Yiddish.”

The Nazi took everything from them, even their voices. Now, in one of the few places Erik could finally be safe, he could take back his right to remember and give the gift of light to the stories that had been buried for too long. But the price was too high. Charles was suffering already and the truth could stain his soul. Was it worth the right to tell his story? Erik didn't have an answer for that question, but Charles asked for the truth and that was the only way Erik knew to fulfill the promise made.

“I remember the day my mother changed. She was a small woman, but full of life and always happy. We weren't rich, but we were happy. Then one day she came back home with a split lip and her clothes ruined. She locked herself in her room and didn't come out for supper. Soon enough my father joined her and I was left alone with my crayons. I didn't know soon enough I would miss them. When she finally came out the morning after her fingers were full of small cuts, and some of them still showed blood. She sewed all night long. We didn't have much but you couldn't wear the star if it wasn't perfectly sewed on every single one of our clothes.”

A hysterical laugh filled the silence of the room. “Isn't it crazy? We weren't even human for them, but they still forced us to wear the star perfectly. Nothing should stain the perfection of Germany, not even their dogs on two legs.”

Charles' hand was warm when it covered Erik's. His expressive eyes tried to keep Erik's gaze focused, but the older man could only look at the professor's fingers gently wrapped around his own. It was a familiar picture and still it was so alien that Erik didn't know how to react, so he let his body surrender to the peace that only Charles could give him.

“She never smiled again after that day. I don't remember my mother's laugh.”

Silence was a good companion that Erik intimately knew. Relief after too long between people, a friend when the need to be alone overpowered everything else. But now, in Charles' mansion, it was oppressive; more proof of how much Erik needed Charles in his life, of how ready he was to change for the younger man, given a chance.

“She knew worst things were coming, but she still tried to make me believe that nothing more would happen to us. But I heard them, my parents. They cried every night after the sang me to sleep. Until one night filled with screams and fear.”

Fear, so bitter and breathtaking that paralyzed everyone. Cries and screams loud enough to cover the beating of thousands of hearts crushed by hate. Charles was openly crying now and there was nothing that Erik would love more than to comfort the younger man, but how could he if the wounds of his own soul were now open and bled all over again?

“They called us pigs. We were filthy and disgusting. We smelled like beasts and they covered moths and noses with ironed handkerchiefs. That's the first thing I remember of Auschwitz. The smell Charles, smell of human waste and death.”

The grip on his hand was the only thing that anchored Erik to the present, keeping him from slipping back in hell.

“Many of us died during the journey. Thousands of men and women and children. God Charles. The children. Some so small they still fit in the arms of their parents. No water, no food for miles and miles. From Germany to Poland. Weeks starving, and when mothers couldn't produce milk anymore, the infants began to die, and with them the elders. And they were lucky Charles. So lucky. They never saw the camps, they never saw what happened there.”

When Erik's words broke in his throat he heard the soul-wrecking sound of despair but only a small part of his mind realized that the sound came from him.

“There, on the platform and under the Arbeit Macht Frei gate they decided who lived and who died. They promised showers. People followed the soldiers with smiles on their faces. Mothers and children, and old women and men, all of them were happy Charles. They began to whisper that maybe the Nazi weren't as bad as people thought. That maybe they still saw us as humans and would show us some kindness.”

Erik was on the ground now, on his knees no longer seeing the safe confines of Charles’ room before him, but the snow of that quiet night, while people with weak but renewed smiles walked towards the showers and the chimneys looming over them. The smoke was so thick that it took his breath away. Slowly his body lean over the only source of safety his mind could provide and Erik ended up with his face hidden in Charles' lap. His strong arms wrapped around the useless legs of the man he had hurt so much and tears staining the wool of his pants.

“They took my father away. They took my dad and put him in one of those lines.”

Tears of pity dripped into his hair while Charles petted him like Erik was a frightened wild animal in desperate need of comfort.

“I'm so sorry Erik. So sorry my friend.” Charles' heart broke for the pain his friend held inside for so long, for the loneliness his past brought to a man who loved to be close to others. Charles didn't want to think about how starved for affection and a gentle touch Erik had been and still was, and because of his idealism he almost lost the right to give Erik everything he needed.

Erik probably was too far gone to hear his words, but his body could still feel Charles tender ministration. The thought that the younger man was still there was enough for his agonizing soul to keep living a bit more.

It wasn't clear how much time they spent like that, wrapped in each other. One suffering for a past never forgotten and one for the realization of his ignorance. It was hard for Charles - a man who spent his life studying - to realize how little he knew of what happened to someone he claimed to love. But it was even harder for Erik - a man who swore to never feel so hopeless and vulnerable again - to reopen such old wounds. 

And yet, time passed and Erik didn't have any more tears to cry and a lot more to explain. The thought to let go of Charles, to sit once again with space between them was unbearable.

“You don't have to. We can stay close. As close as you want, my Erik.” The telepath gently whispered in Erik's mind, and only too late he realized what words he chose to use.

It was hard to sooth Erik's mind, even when he was just a child he was too sensitive, he always felt too much, but Charles owned the key to his inner peace since the first moment they met. Could those words change everything? Did he mean what he said or was it a slip of him mind, too tired and overpowered by emotions?

In another occasion – and maybe another life – Erik would be terrified to act about his feelings and ruin his friendship with Charles: now, he didn't have anything to lose anymore, so he acted following his instincts.

Gently Erik rose to his feet and as soon as he let go of Charles he felt the loss. It was a physical ache that Erik thought impossible to feel again. It was even worse then when he lost his mother because his mind knew that he could simply move a hand and Charles would be back in his reach but didn't know if the younger man would allow that.

Knowing that he could let his mind slip now he gestured to the couch and when Charles nodded, without the need to read his mind, he lifted his friend’s too light body in his arms and carried Charles like he was a child. No, not a child, Charles never was that in his mind, no matter how innocent the younger man was. Erik carried him in his arms like a bride and who knew, maybe to cross the small distance between the middle of the room and the couch was like to cross the threshold into a new life.

The first reality check of how much things really had changed came to Erik when he laid Charles down and had to watch the younger man pull and adjust at his legs before he found a comfortable enough position that allowed Erik to slip behind his back. Now Charles' weight was supported by his chest, and Erik never held anything more precious in his life.

Without thinking Erik wrapped Charles in his arms. Like this, with Charles' back against his chest, Erik felt safe enough to show his emotions without actually show his face. Charles could enter his mind at any moment, and he was sure he was projecting his affection so loud that even a non psychic could have read them. Still when Charles looked at him in the eyes Erik knew that there was nothing he could hide. In his mind there were locked doors that hadn't been open in years, but in his eyes Charles could see his soul.

Surprise sourced in his mind when Charles' fingers stroked the skin of his hands like it was the natural things to do, like to be that close to him wasn't a burden.

“I would tell you if it was, Erik. I promise you I won't keep anything from you.”

Erik pressed a kiss to Charles’ hair. He smelled alive and real and Erik inhaled his presence, let it sink into his mind and finally he admitted that it was true, he had Charles in his arms.

“I am real, Erik.” His voice sounded amused, but not in a malicious way. “I never knew someone could be so happy, so utterly and happy to hold me.”

“Than someone really failed you, Charles.” It was the simple truth. Erik couldn't imagine someone who willingly would hurt Charles, who didn't shower the boy in love and affection. But he knew better than to take for granted that growing up in wealth would also mean to be loved.

His mother had loved him tenderly, and that knowledge gave Erik strength during his time in the camp, but he didn't need Charles' power to know that his friend hadn't been as lucky. From the way Charles had looked at Raven it was clear she was the only source of love in his life growing up, only he had loved her maybe too much while Raven's love hadn't been strong enough to make her stay. Erik knew that he was mostly at fault for her decision. She needed a reason to run away from the feelings she knew her brother couldn’t return, and Erik had given her all the reason she needed, all but handed it to her on a silver tray. 

“I was loved, Erik. Please know that I was loved.” Charles broke his thoughts using his real voice, something that always grounded Erik to the present.

“You deserve more than that, Charles.” More than what Erik could give him. He was a broken warrior who had fought his last war. Now he was lost in a world he never understood and that never accepted him.

A single wrong movement was Erik undoing. The black sweater he wore - one that hugged his body so tightly Charles thought it should be illegal - couldn't hold against Erik's need to be closer to Charles and miles away from his warmth at the same time. His left sleeve raised showing the ugly brand that desecrated the sensitive skin of his forearm.

To be buried under ice would have been warmer than the dropping temperature between them. “Will you tell me?”

Erik hugged Charles to his body and exhaled. It was painful to breathe, the memories rushed back into his mind, all together, in a chaos of pain and screams and ashes. “Häftling zwei eins vier sieben acht zwei 214782. It was my name for two years.”

His heart broken when Charles gasped and choked trying to keep inside his horror. “It was the last thing they took from us. When we didn't have anything else to give them, they took our names. We were numbers and higher numbers never lasted long.”

Charles' hands were strong - probably because of the time spent pushing his wheelchair, another gift Erik left behind – and once again they were keeping Erik from going back, from being in the camps all over again, alone and terrified. Hot tears stained his face and his exhausted body didn't have any energy left to keep fighting.

Erik was so close to lose control that every piece of metal in the room began to shake. Panic clouded his mind and unconsciously he called his only friend. Metal had kept him company when he was too weak and too hurt to use it against the men who tortured him day after day. It sang him to sleep at night, when the cold was so deep his bones ached like they were snapping inside his body. Metal would keep him safe now that he was being held again.

Once again he felt trapped, but what scared him to hell was that he chose his new prison. This time it wasn't pain and menace of new torments that kept him from running away. No, this time his jailer was a man he chose to give himself to, if Charles would have him. Charles owned him since the first moment he showed Erik that someone like him could deserve to be happy. Back then he had failed to see the honesty in Charles’ silent promise. Now Erik was ready to let his gentle friend to show him what his new life could be. 

“Don't be afraid of me, Erik. Please.” What Charles asked from him was something that Erik wasn't sure he could give. He didn't remember what it meant not to be scared, to trust someone like Charles was asking him to. And yet, for the telepath, Erik was ready to try.

Slowly the metal calmed down and the room was quiet again. “Thank you, Erik.” Only then Erik realized that all the emotions he let free had to hurt Charles more than the needles pressed inside his skull to see how much he could endure. More than the ice cold water thrown on him before soldiers left him to freeze in the open, bare feet in the snow and only his ragged clothes to protect him.

“No, never. What hurt me the most in your feelings, Erik, is to know that you were alone while suffering.” Charles waited for a few moments before his voice was strong enough to speak again. The pain receded so he could control his mind and make sure he wouldn't slip and invade Erik's mind.

It still hurt so much that Erik didn't trust his power, him, but now at least he knew why. Why it was so hard for Erik to trust that someone wasn't there to hurt him all over again, but to care for him.

“We can stop for today, Erik. I honestly didn't know how emotionally exhausting this would have been.” Something else he didn't think about and he ignored. Charles began to feel like a failure and he didn't like it.

“No, I'd prefer to keep going.” Erik wasn't sure he could stop now. It was like something broke inside his soul and now the possibility of silence caused him to push against his limits. He needed everything out. For years Erik had left his past to fester inside, poisoning every single thing he touched. It was time to purge that old wound and let it free to finally scar. The memories will always stay with him, but perhaps Charles could help him to make them distant, rendering them harmless. 

“If you're sure.” Charles sounded unconvinced and all Erik could do was to send him a sense of urging. It was his choice, one that was taken from him for too long. To speak was to be free, and Charles had to know how important that was for someone who was denied freedom for so long.

“I have a question. I noticed that many call what happened to your people a holocaust, but I followed the Eichman's trial and that word was never used. Why?”

During the night Erik had realized that Charles based his knowledge on what the outside world tried to do after the tragedy. It wasn't his fault the world tried to hide what happened, ashamed of the role so many countries had in their extermination. Many had known but no one had really believed the rumors, and how could they? It was unheard of, the denying of everything that was human. He couldn't hold that against Charles, so the only thing he could do was to add more pain to his already hurt soul.

“Holocaust means wholly burned.” He began with a too sober voice. “Usually is referred to an offering to God that must be totally consumed to be valid. In our case it only meant one more abuse against our tradition. In our religion is forbidden to burn the body. You can't find peace if your body isn't put to rest in the ground after the taharah.” Erik never envisioned himself as a true believer, but after his mother was taken from him he swore to at least try to respect those traditions she loved and gave her life for.

“The word is a reminder of what was torn away from millions of us. It's something we still can wrap our minds around. So many of us, so many innocents denied the comfort of prayers. No one to guard them, to lead them to the Promise Land. Only void and darkness for the people who died without a reason. That's what hurt the most, Charles. That's what the world doesn't understand. People use words, without realizing how powerful they can be. It all began with words. Someone decided we were a menace, because we never really integrated, because we were an easy target for hate and frustration. Words were spoken and suddenly fire followed.”

Different beginnings but the same end for too many. That was the real magnitude of the tragedy. The misery and horror of one became the story of a whole people. Every single inmate had a different story to tell, a different life they all had lived outside the camps, before they lost everything. They lived whole lives, or just a few years as free men and women and suddenly rich and poor, scholars and artisans, criminals and innocents were combined and all shared the same end. They all became beasts in the eyes of their jailers. A menace for the Reich and with that common fault they all were erased from existence.

The survivors – on the other hand - carried scars created in the same place but all different. Entire families destroyed. Entire communities reduced to a handful of survivors. Whole villages raided and thrown into oblivion; no one alive to remember their names. They were simply gone, like they never existed.

Too many of them physically left the Camps but were trapped there with their minds. Those were the most painful to watch. They never gained back the will to live and so many gave up. In some cases they took their own lives, in others it was a passive and unconscious decision. The sorrow they carried inside was simply too great to keep fighting.

For once, while Erik spoke and the memories shared weighed less, Charles was the student. He was learning something that only a survivor could have known and explained. It was hard to hear that what he thought he knew was nothing compared to what really happened and that the denying of the truth was another way Erik was betrayed with. Every single word shared that night helped him to really understand the man he fell in love with and showed him that yes, in many ways Erik really was created in the camps, but the darkness he used to survive wasn't everything. Erik had so much inside - hidden and scarred – to give to others and now Charles was ready to receive that part of him, if Erik still wanted to give him a chance.

“I never said the Kaddish for them.” Erik said, his voice heavy with exhaustion and the strength needed to keep fighting sleep. “It's the prayer you say to say goodbye to the ones you have lost. To remember that they are safe now, and to express your gratitude to God for allowing them in his presence.”

Heavy in the air hung the knowledge that there was more to Erik's words than just mere information, and suddenly Charles knew. “You need to go back there to properly say goodbye.” He wasn't sure what emotions transpired in his words. Worry, pain, and fear to lose Erik once again. He couldn't handle the thought of seeing him gone, even for something so important.

“Yes.” That simple word almost broke Charles all over again. “But I would like for you to come with me.” And suddenly Charles hope blossomed in his heart. “I'd like to introduce you to them, my mom would have liked you and I think my father would have respected you.” Maybe neither of them would have accepted their son with a man, but they would have accepted Charles as someone important to Erik.

It felt the right thing to do, if he really wanted a future with Charles, not to keep him a secret from the people who gave him life.

“It would be a honor.” Charles really meant those words. He knew how hard was for Erik to share something so deep and personal, so painful that almost had destroyed him for good. To go there with Erik wouldn't be easy for either of them, but if being by his side for the first time meant facing their fears and guilty consciences meant he could also be by his side in the future, he would do it, Charles could face his own fears and guilty conscience.

Now he finally understood why so many didn't want to talk about what happened in Europe, why they only wanted to forget or even showed mercy for the persecutors. Everyone felt like they could have done something. Every country touched by the tragedy was guilty of silence and acceptance. Charles felt like his British half was to blame – with his people – for moving too slowly and allowing the Nazi to gain the power they held for too long. He knew it was crazy and illogical, but the guilt was there and it would be a long time before he could handle the knowledge that no, there was nothing he could have done.

They shared a chaste kiss - their first - in the silence that followed, and both felt it thick with promises both knew it was a pact for the future. It wouldn't be easy and their path was a hard one, but they were ready to walk it together. To be parted wasn't an option anymore. They tried and failed and weren't ready to repeat that mistake.

The confirmation of how complicated their relationship would be, came to them only a few hours after they fell asleep.

It wasn't the door opening so hard it banged against the wall that woke them up, but Hank's roar when he saw Charles in Erik's arms. Sadly Erik's reaction was what everyone expected. Every ounce of metal in the room awoke at his call and a long letter opener embedded a mere millimeter from Hank's head while his wrists and ankles were blocked by bended metal that worked as cuffs. Only Charles' mind, awakened by the chaos erupting around him, stopped the worst from happening.

“What is he doing here?” The scream, both physical and mental, paralyzed Charles' long enough for Erik to take back control. The blade slashed through the wood like it was butter and a drop of blood stained Hank's left ear. Just a warning for now, ready to turn into something more serious.

“That's none of your business,” Erik growled, much more frighteningly than the gentle mannered doctor-turned -beast could hope to be. 

“Erik, please calm down.” It wasn't an order but a request, and what followed showed that Charles was the only one Erik listened to. The blade reached the metal-controller again and the threat was gone, for now.

“Hank, I assure you that Erik is here because of me, that is all you need to know. I asked him to be here, and so he came.” 

“And how long? How long before he betrays us again and leaves with someone else? Before he hurts you again?”

Both Charles and Erik understood Hank's reaction and reasoning, for different reasons they knew that his intentions were good, but they came in the wrong time. Things were still too fragile between the two friends and they needed time alone to see if they could be something more to each other, something that both of them needed. 

“He won’t, not this time, and I won’t hurt him either.” Both of us made mistakes the first time and we are ready to work through our differences together.” Honesty was usually the best way to go and Hank needed to understand that Erik wasn't the only one who made mistakes in their short time together. Hearing it from Charles would help him to see the truth, or so the professor hoped.

“I won't forgive him.” Hank snapped with all the poison he could muster. And Charles could only nod, defeated. He really wanted for them to be at least civil, but Hank was too furious and the wound of losing Raven still too painful. The young genius needed time and hopefully he could at least stand Erik's presence at the mansion. If not, Charles would have a new decision to make, one that would be harder on him than anything else.

“I don't want your forgiveness, Hank. I'm not here for you and I don't care what you think of me. But as long as Charles will want me here, I won't go. Get used to it.”

“Really Erik? You couldn't let it go?” The tone of Charles’ voice in Erik’s mind was nothing short of annoyed, but he didn’t seem particularly upset. 

“No, and you know why.” He did, and a warm feeling spread from his heart to his soul. Erik just claimed he would stay, for Charles. Erik was serious and wanted them to work as a couple.

 

EPILOGUE 

“Are you alright?” Charles wanted to ask the same question since they left their hotel in Krakow that morning, but he resisted knowing well that Erik was already stressed out enough to worry about him too, but now it simply was too much.

The car they rented was an old model, and every bolt in it shook under Erik's power. It was like the man didn't have any control over it, and it scared Charles. Erik was one of the most controlled men he ever met, and not even once he saw his lover slip and lose control of his nature, but now that was happening, Charles didn't know how to help him.

“No. No, I'm not, Charles.” Erik's knuckles were white and he was gripping the wheel so tightly Charles was sure it would break soon.

“Erik, pull over now!” It was the first time he used his mind to force Erik to do something and wasn't ashamed of doing it. When the car finally stopped Charles didn't waste time and forced his lover to look at him.

Charles' strong hands cupping his face anchored Erik to the present and their warmth began to melt the ice that fear and memories created around his heart, making hard for him to breathe. “It will be okay, my love. You're not alone anymore.” And he wasn't, in more ways than one. Charles not only showed him that he wasn't a freak, or a monster, but also that Erik could be everything for Charles. 

Even nodding was difficult for Erik, but it was a sign that he understood. The road was empty and the sky still dark. The kiss they shared was witnessed only by the crow that welcomed them with their raspy voices, bothered by their mere presence.

It wasn't raining, and Erik took it as a small mercy. The first time he saw the camp his clothes were soaked in icy water and they smelled like wet human waste and grime. The mud looked to be made by the same filth. Back then he didn't know it was so much worse than that. He didn't know that he was walking on what remained of so many of his people. Too expressive eyes darted to the smokestacks and his body exhaled a shaking breath only when he saw that they weren't working. Knowing when Erik needed him the most, Charles took his cold hand in his and put a gently kiss on his rigid fingers.

“You should have worn gloves, love. You'll catch a cold.” He said, voice full of concern and if someone had paid attention to the scene, they would think that Charles was only a silly, spoiled brat with a very obviously English accent. But they wouldn't imagine the reason behind his words. Erik’s fingers were strong against Charles’, long and elegant, had once looked as though Erik had never worked a day in his life. They were the first things Herr Doctor destroyed time and time again; they were also what Erik used to craft metal into beautiful masterpieces, tools or instruments of defence. 

Glad for the distraction, Erik focused his attention on Charles and a small smile appeared on his lips. Not the shark smirk that Erik reserved for people he wanted to keep at distance, but a real and intimate one that was only for Charles.

“I will remember, next time.”

Charles nodded and moved only when Erik crossed the gate, without a single gaze to the arch. They were in and the professor finally understood why Erik never came back. It was like time froze in that cursed place. No matter how much people tried to erase the horror of the past the well kept flowerbeds in front of the offices, the clean square were the inmates were called every morning to answer to the roll call – so big that for a moment Charles had to fight nausea and terror, thinking about how many men could fit there – the obsessive tidiness of everything around them screamed of a desperate way to hide the truth. Everyone would know that something terrible happened in that place and no amount of attempts to hide the truth would ever work.

Realization hit Charles hard. Everything he knew about Auschwitz was second-hand. Even when Erik told him everything that happened to him, there was still a glass between his mind and the terrible truth. Now that Charles was there he could finally understand that yes, it really happened. Millions of people died in places like that one, in silence, forgotten by many, sacrificed to the altar of a mad man.

Erik chose that moment to slip something hard, flat and strangely warm in his hand. Only when he looked down, perplexed, Charles realized that he held a white stone that Erik probably kept in one of his pockets, close to his body.

They walked in silence to the very end of the camp, opposite from where they came. There they saw a huge walls with flowers of every color laid at its feet. Now that Charles looked better they were arranged to follow the colors of European and American flags.

“It's a tradition. Every year every nation who had victims between the inmates or helped to free the camp send a delegation. They leave wreaths with the color of their national flag.”

Charles never expressed how shocked he was to count so many countries represented by those flowers. Every passing moment, the numbers of victims grew bigger in his mind and once again he had to wonder how all of that could happen.

Looking back at the walls, Charles saw words he couldn't understand, but he knew, without the need of asking, that they were names. Not knowing what to do unnerved Charles, but Erik's presence was solid and real by his side so he moved when his lover did, and followed every movement of the older man.

Silently he watched Erik sobering as they walked closer to the wall. It was like the weight of the world burdened him and for the first time Charles saw how little he had been when he first entered the camp, how afraid and lost being just parted from his family with such brutality. Those long fingers Charles loved so much stroked the stone. He didn't know if what he was touching were his parents' names of the place from where they came, or something equally terrible but there were tears in his eyes and Charles knew Erik wouldn't allow them to spill in front of others. With grace Erik knelt and with his left hand he put the stone he held on the ground. Only then he looked at Charles and extended the same hand in his direction.

All Charles could do was to grab Erik's hand, knowing that Erik would never let him go, and with his left hand he did the same. The wind howled in the unreal silence of the camp, but soon it had to yield when Erik's voice, warm and throaty start to sing the Kaddish that freed Erik from a hardship he carried, alone, for too long.

He said goodbye to his parents and thinking about them wasn't as excruciating as always. The pain of the loss was still there, like an old friend too long ignored, but it wasn't tearing at his soul anymore.

He was finally free of some of the weight his memories held. Lighter in body and spirit Erik walked away from Auschwitz with Charles by his side, ready to begin a new chapter of his life with the man he loved, thinking about everything he would have to do to protect the kids Charles was collecting and who already were part of his family.

END


End file.
